Building a life that’s mine

One of the greatest acts of courage is reinvention. It is courageous because to reinvent is to be at odds with a society that relentlessly devalues non-productive paths. The lessons are taught early. Hard work and productivity will ensure security, and walking this singular path is the ticket to a successful life. The conditioning we grow up with is to achieve, within prescribed timelines and to consistently be hard on ourselves while we navigate various hurdles to getting life right.

When I took time off from a successful legal career (to reinvent), I was constantly asked to ascribe timelines to my next steps. People tend to judge harshly any life that does not follow a chartered course. I was told by many that I was wasting my potential. Guarding or protecting my non-linear path came to be seen as an act of rebellion. Prioritizing my own well-being came to be seen as frivolous, or stepping outside the natural flow of time. When life is measured almost entirely by achievement, I wonder if I could persuade you to ponder on the socially sanctioned concept of a life well spent.

In the monsoon of 2023, I turned 40; an age that typically forces pause and reflection. I started to fantasize about the paths not taken. The reality of all my achievements having taken place in a court or cubicle, till then, started to feel jarring.  By 2024, I did what would have been unthinkable to my younger, ambitious self. I quit.

My first year away from corporate life was spent in combating an internal conflict of pursuing the various interests I had put off for years and the moral self-judgement attached to achieving no tangible output. We are taught to deal with bad days, bad relationships and, barring a few scars, we are equipped to survive most of life’s obstacles. What is harder to examine is the quiet corrosion of self-worth because we have confused self-worth with output. Even the recognition of this confusion is not enough to prevent it from sneaking into our consciousness to dictate our choices. It is an ongoing dialogue with our innermost instinct to be productive, to conform.

I have kept one thought close to me as I wrestle with this conflict. It is a privilege to be able to step away from a career and reclaim my time as my own, and it is wasting this privilege to constantly be suspicious of it.

My days are no longer defined by 9-to-5s, by the start and close of a financial year or by circling long weekends on my calendar every January. I observe now that this new version of life is shaped by moments. It is shaped by the time I learnt pottery, by weeks spent reading and writing, by travelling and drawing. A far more abstract transformation occurs when we walk away from a career to explore and to dabble. This transition is made harder when we leave a career which we have mastered, excelled at and monetized through years of hard work and hard-earned experience. Dabbling asks us to remain content with being ordinary, with deriving satisfaction from discovery rather than competence or recognition.

Transformations of this nature beg the question: is mastery a more worthy goal than discovery? Must we continue to add layers of optimization to every aspect of our lives? It has taken effort to allow myself the freedom to let an interest remain just that - an interest. To paint badly but delight in the process or to learn a language and never become fluent in it.

As the passing months wash away my corporate conditioning, I begin to embrace the idea that every pursuit does not need justification; that we should be able to do things just because they delight us. It is liberating to be free from the borrowed ideals of a life well spent. For now, in my version of a life well spent, progress is being able to wear uncertainty with growing ease and to say “I don’t know what’s next”.